What happens after six months of dating
Here are six truths to help still your heart, quiet the lies, and proceed with compassionate caution and wisdom in a relationship with someone who has a sexual history. Whether you measure up to anyone else or not, if you buy into the lie that love should be quantified, you destroy real intimacy.When you measure your lovability by trying to quantify your sexuality, you diminish your humanity.Obsession, because you want to let the past be the past, but only after your own morbidly detailed investigation — and because you stubbornly refuse to be rejected and overlooked for the purity which you’ve guarded so diligently.The reflex reaction of the insecure is to quantify oneself, especially physically: to rush to numbers for security, to resort to inches to feel worthy, to run to the scale to feel loveable.We all have remorse-tailored monsters hiding in our closets. But there is still hard work to do — understanding, forgiving, crying, forgetting, maturing, resolving work — and there are some concrete ways that Christ enters into the conversation about sexual past in a dating relationship.Bring in an older compassionate couple in the church, maybe even with the same story, to protect both of you from sinning against one another in the ways we mentioned above. If your partner with a sexual past is already in the company of a church and has been walking in the light of a pastoral team, the resources probably exist there for help.For some reason, the modern sitcom seems to be the only venue that openly addresses the dark awkwardness of a dating partner’s sexual past.
Bringing understanding mentors into the conversation doesn’t cause the relationship to lose control, but offers the potential of balanced, hope-filled, and biblical perspective and clarity.Jesus says, “Her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little” (Luke ). If dating is moving towards marriage, and you learn of a sexual history, recognize that you were never pursuing this person so that you could be the — for as long as they both shall live.To marry someone with a past is not “settling,” but can be a great gift. What he meant for evil — to harm or demoralize us — God often means for our good (Genesis ). The promiscuous King Solomon knew firsthand: satisfaction is measured, not in terms of what a person can do in fifteen minutes, but what they can do with fifteen years: “Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find? By trying to measure up to past sexual partners, we give the past power that it neither has, nor should be thought to have.The gospel reminds us: the Beloved expect you to conform to patterns of her previous sexual partners, they are not ready to date — that is, they are not ready to be trusted with your (or anyone else’s) heart.
If they don’t enforce some comparison on you, do your best to accept that and move on.
Search your heart and root out self-righteousness so that you’re not blind to see that God may be giving you marry your partner who has a sexual history, you will not be the best person in their life in every area of life. It is way too easy to become obsessed with a partner’s sexual history.